Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
They took my balls.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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