goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
