I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
