i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize