Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize