I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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