My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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