I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
