i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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