last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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