i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize