I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize