i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
