you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
