I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
pray to the hookup gods
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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