do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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