Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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