I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
