I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
