it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
