its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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