i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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