haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
