I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
