Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
