in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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