dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
