I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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