She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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