I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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