i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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