Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
