I am in a vortex of obligation.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Don't tell me you're on acid again
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
