Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
my poor anus
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize