3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
