OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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