I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
True strength comes from lack of pants
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
