I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
