I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
