One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Pooping to opera.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
