dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
