Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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