I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
