I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
only you would photoshop your dick
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
