I am in a vortex of obligation.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
