walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
