he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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