On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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