he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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