so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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