That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
