There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
