Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
