It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
