Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
