I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
