i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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