I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
