Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
