Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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