eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
sarcasm needs its own font
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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