omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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