i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
