So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
