Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
is wine microwaveable?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
