Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
