Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
