Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He shit in the fireplace
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
