i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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